I actually put some of this in my profile “Who I’d Like to Meet” section, but decided it would make a good blog entry. I love to write when shit is on my mind, so whether anyone reads this or not doesn’t even matter…it’s just cathartic.
After being in serious relationships throughtout most of my 20′s, I kind of went wild from like 29-31. And it was great. I had fun, I did what I felt like, I never got hurt and it was empowering. And then I had a few, more serious things that didn’t quite work, and then a really serious thing that didn’t work out either. I regret none of them. Learned from all of them immensely, grew tremendously, and made some…what turned out to be….good friends. But I was hurt and decided to go back to my old ways because it seemed like a good way to have fun and not get hurt. But I quickly realized…it just wasn’t fun anymore. Not empowering, either. So, I decided to try and take things a little more seriously, and I met a couple of guys who I thought I could see things heading in a good direction with. But I guess I’m out of practice with dating and starting off, cuz I just haven’t seemed to be able to get it right so far. And it’s frustrating! I know I have a lot to offer and I just want simple things. But the simplest things seem SO HARD!!!
I think sometimes I push too hard cuz I just want it so bad. I get excited about the way I feel when I really start to like someone and care about them, and it makes me all nervous and I just am never quite sure how to act. It’s like all such a game, but it should be so easy. But when feelings get involved, things just get so distorted. I’m not scared, though….gotta keep on keeping on. Gotta keep tryin, keep takin chances, keep tryin to get it right. Whether it’s with someone who’s in my life now or whether it’s someone I haven’t even met yet, I am looking forward to the journey. A million new beginnings is just getting soooooo draining!!!
So, what do I want at this point? I wanna start slow, but when we know something’s there, we focus on it and see where we can take it….I’m tired of lots of beginnings and then people being too scared to go further or too scarred from their past. We all go through shit. Be brave, be positive, and understand that if you take no chances you might be safe, but you will have no chance of finding anything great either.
I really just want someone to put a smile on my face and to do the same for them. I want to be excited again. I want to get that little tingle when I see your number pop up on my phone. I want to take my time getting ready so I look my best for you. I want to feel beautiful when you look at me, sensual when you touch me, admired when I catch you glancing at me, valued when I give you my advice, respected when I let you know my opinion, missed when we’re apart, though about at random times. And I want all of that to go the other way, too.
Not much different than what anyone wants, I suppose, but seemingly so hard to find, especially to find all that and make it last. It’s hard to have a relationship when one person forgets that you can’t take love for granted. It’s not unconditional – you have to earn it, and keep it and remind each other all the time that it’s still there, and always figure out how to grow with it as it inevitably changes.
What should YOU be looking for? You should be looking for someone you can totally be yourself with, someone who will call you out when you’re NOT being yourself, someone who is probably the “realest” chick you’ve ever met, someone who has taken her lumps and learned from every single experience and is finally at the point where she is comfortable with the person she has become, someone who has learned every day to be more and more fearless, someone who is kind and sweet but won’t suger-coat reality and won’t just tell you what you want to hear but rather tell you the truth in the nicest way possilble if the truth isn’t so nice (haha), someone who can be themselves in front of you, someone who can make you laugh till you pee, someone who can make you think, someone who is mature and ready to move upward and forward in life but is laid back at the same time, someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously but can be serious when it’s time, someone who is passionate and sensual yet silly and chilled out, someone who is just a real girl who hates the drama, hates fakeness, hates superficiality, who loves to have fun, is quirky and normal at the same time and expects to be treated nicely and expects to return the favor. That’s me.
As for the “type” of guy I am looking for? Who knows really. When you look for a “type” that’s when you get into trouble. I like someone who is funny (great sense of humor is a MUST…appreciation for a little sarcasm is a plus), honest, trustworthy, sincere, caring, considerate, sensitive but kind of rough, courteous, smart, can be quirky, confident, secure, mature but silly, fun-loving, the list goes on. I have all kinds of other things I like, but those are some core qualities that are essential. The rest I will hopefully be shown, and maybe I can FINALLY get it right when the time and person are right!!! I just hope I am smart enough and brave and open enough to recognize it.
Birthday has been blah.
Highlight was having In N Out with Dee and looking at clothes I couldn’t fit my left boob in! Oh and getting to talk to my brother for about 5 minutes (he was at work).
Got home thinking there would be some other kind of gift from my parents for me, but no.
Watched tv, cat got out, spent about 30 minutes or so trying to get the cat in. Neighbor kids helped me.
Missed 45 mins of Fringe so I’m def going to have to get that to watch it from the beginning…and I already know that I’m going to have to download it (WHEN it continues) because of class.
But another highlight of the night is the cake and cute shower sponges (a bunny and a cow) my mom picked up at Costco.
I don’t understand why my life has had such a drastic change but there must be a reason, whether to test my sanity or my strength either one they are both working double time. I sometimes wish i could see into the future to see if the juice is worth the squeeze but there is no way of knowing and I just have to wait. lately things have taken some weird turns and I have alleviated myself of some dead wieght I had been carrying around emotionally and otherwise. So I feel a lot lighter now I appreciate things much more than I used to but i also have those moments when I just want to fucking give up and run but hey this is where the weak are separated from the survivors and I can guaranfuckintee that I am a survivor.
